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parker lewis cant lose
Dec. 30th, 2025 12:07 amim so pissed off. i try to be nice because we havenāt talked in a week and you start getting pissy with me, after youāve already left me on delivered for over an entire fucking day. i donāt get it.
i just feel sick with anger right now, and itās stirring in my stomach. i feel like i tend to exaggerate my emotions sometimes to sound cooler, but i really feel sick. like i could throw up all the cold water i just drank. what did i even do?
i wish i didnāt have to be coddled just so i wonāt be offended or hurt, i like it a little though. i like when people care enough to make sure iām okay. but thereās no one to coddle me right now. no one to tell me i just got the tone of the message wrong or it wasnāt meant to sound so snarky. no one to tell me to quit being a bitch. this is the last post that i write for you.
i donāt want to ghost him for another year (about 11 months to be more accurate), but things are looking grim..happy new year?
xoxo
a
i just feel sick with anger right now, and itās stirring in my stomach. i feel like i tend to exaggerate my emotions sometimes to sound cooler, but i really feel sick. like i could throw up all the cold water i just drank. what did i even do?
i wish i didnāt have to be coddled just so i wonāt be offended or hurt, i like it a little though. i like when people care enough to make sure iām okay. but thereās no one to coddle me right now. no one to tell me i just got the tone of the message wrong or it wasnāt meant to sound so snarky. no one to tell me to quit being a bitch. this is the last post that i write for you.
i donāt want to ghost him for another year (about 11 months to be more accurate), but things are looking grim..happy new year?
xoxo
a
(no subject)
Dec. 28th, 2025 06:34 pmi love my friends, donāt get me wrong, but thereās only so many times you can punch me in my ribs without me getting irritated. iām running on oreos and ice water and you decide to keep doing shit you know pisses me off. weāve been friends for about 3 years, you know how little my temper is. you can see my mood shift in my face.
i donāt care that much that she hit me, i care because it wasnāt even really deserved. and i donāt like being scared. you literally watched me curl up before you hit me and you did it anyway. wtf. itās okay though cos weāll be cuddled up in 2 min.
we made up right after i wrote this ššš
i donāt care that much that she hit me, i care because it wasnāt even really deserved. and i donāt like being scared. you literally watched me curl up before you hit me and you did it anyway. wtf. itās okay though cos weāll be cuddled up in 2 min.
we made up right after i wrote this ššš
happy holidays
Dec. 23rd, 2025 02:14 amitās been a while since iāve written on here and wasnāt in distress or upset. i was going to say ābut when am i not upset,ā but iām actually in a good mood right now.
do you ever think about what dinosaurs thought before that meteor hit them? like āoh itās about timeā or maybe they thought the sun was exploding. dinosaurs freak me out. imagine they were still here, would we even be here? would we co exist? would they keep us as pets? do you think your pets would rather be with you or in the wild?
do you have pets? i have a turtle named mikey, me and my friend agreed on the name. she wanted to name him that because of michelangelo (that orange turtle), i agreed because of mikey way. i really
am a geek. i actually donāt know if mikey is a boy or girl, and iām not sure when i decided he was a guy? iāll be able to tell when heās older. even if mikey does end up being a girl iāll keep the name, he wonāt know anyway.
if you celebrate, whatās on your christmas list? whatās hanukah like for people who celebrate? i feel like it would be so cool getting gifts 8 days straight, youād have stuff to look forward to for over a week. anyway, whatever you celebrate, spend time with the people you love, have a great time
happy holidays, xoxo
a
do you ever think about what dinosaurs thought before that meteor hit them? like āoh itās about timeā or maybe they thought the sun was exploding. dinosaurs freak me out. imagine they were still here, would we even be here? would we co exist? would they keep us as pets? do you think your pets would rather be with you or in the wild?
do you have pets? i have a turtle named mikey, me and my friend agreed on the name. she wanted to name him that because of michelangelo (that orange turtle), i agreed because of mikey way. i really
am a geek. i actually donāt know if mikey is a boy or girl, and iām not sure when i decided he was a guy? iāll be able to tell when heās older. even if mikey does end up being a girl iāll keep the name, he wonāt know anyway.
if you celebrate, whatās on your christmas list? whatās hanukah like for people who celebrate? i feel like it would be so cool getting gifts 8 days straight, youād have stuff to look forward to for over a week. anyway, whatever you celebrate, spend time with the people you love, have a great time
happy holidays, xoxo
a
me vs your friends
Dec. 15th, 2025 03:04 pmwhy do i have to feel so strongly all the time? i wish not everything someone says or tells me feels like they just dropped an anvil on me.
i donāt want to go anywhere tomorrow. because i know iāll have that permanent kicked dog expression on my face, and iāll have to hold back tears every time one of my friends asks āwhatās wrong?ā i pray they donāt notice how much i blink, or how my nose scrunches from the sting, or how i canāt look them in the eye like usual. maybe theyāll notice how puffy my eyes are once they really look. i hope they donāt. theyāll all know iāve been crying over a boy they all think is ugly.
i donāt want them to see and point him out. i donāt want to tell them why i wonāt look, or why i ādonāt careā, or why i got so quiet. it just sucks it played out like this, but what did i expect? my (sort of) friend said i lost my chance, and that i should talk to my next crush. we talked, sometimes. and what chance did i have? why would he like me? the emo geek with a strange knack for knowing too much about decaydance.
there was a guy who tolerated me, but i ruined that. he hates my guts now, i think. if i were him i would hate me. i played with his feelings, and i shouldnāt have, but i didnāt mean to. maybe this is karma. maybe he put a curse on me. whenever i hear midwest emo it still reminds me of him. i know annoying orange reminds him of me. does it disgust him? to see things that remind him of me? i still tolerate midwest emo, i donāt hate it because he likes it. but i also donāt hate him, so itās probably different.i wish i could tell him sorry sometimes, but i donāt even think he wants to hear anything from me.
and i hate his friends.
xoxo
i donāt want to go anywhere tomorrow. because i know iāll have that permanent kicked dog expression on my face, and iāll have to hold back tears every time one of my friends asks āwhatās wrong?ā i pray they donāt notice how much i blink, or how my nose scrunches from the sting, or how i canāt look them in the eye like usual. maybe theyāll notice how puffy my eyes are once they really look. i hope they donāt. theyāll all know iāve been crying over a boy they all think is ugly.
i donāt want them to see and point him out. i donāt want to tell them why i wonāt look, or why i ādonāt careā, or why i got so quiet. it just sucks it played out like this, but what did i expect? my (sort of) friend said i lost my chance, and that i should talk to my next crush. we talked, sometimes. and what chance did i have? why would he like me? the emo geek with a strange knack for knowing too much about decaydance.
there was a guy who tolerated me, but i ruined that. he hates my guts now, i think. if i were him i would hate me. i played with his feelings, and i shouldnāt have, but i didnāt mean to. maybe this is karma. maybe he put a curse on me. whenever i hear midwest emo it still reminds me of him. i know annoying orange reminds him of me. does it disgust him? to see things that remind him of me? i still tolerate midwest emo, i donāt hate it because he likes it. but i also donāt hate him, so itās probably different.i wish i could tell him sorry sometimes, but i donāt even think he wants to hear anything from me.
and i hate his friends.
xoxo
the boy i like is in a talking stage, why does this always happen to me? my chest aches. i donāt even want to face him tomorrow. this is so embarrassing.
history repeats itself, it always does. i wish there was something i could do to break out of this cycle. this cycle of liking then hating then liking again till my heart hurts. is there some lesson to be taught? what am i supposed to be learning? iām always one to say everything happens for a reason, but why does this keep happening to me? what am i doing wrong?
it feels like someone plucked out my ribs one by one and keeps stepping on them, and i have to keep watching and allowing for it to happen over and over again. this is my 5th rib. how long until there are no more ribs to pluck and thereās just my vitals? who will step on those? only time will tell really.
xo
history repeats itself, it always does. i wish there was something i could do to break out of this cycle. this cycle of liking then hating then liking again till my heart hurts. is there some lesson to be taught? what am i supposed to be learning? iām always one to say everything happens for a reason, but why does this keep happening to me? what am i doing wrong?
it feels like someone plucked out my ribs one by one and keeps stepping on them, and i have to keep watching and allowing for it to happen over and over again. this is my 5th rib. how long until there are no more ribs to pluck and thereās just my vitals? who will step on those? only time will tell really.
xo
bi polar but not really
Dec. 8th, 2025 06:11 pmremember how pissy i was the other day? about that boy? i like him again š„¹ there is deadass something wrong with me.. heh i guess i could say i love him and i hate him and iām losing my mind.. get it? sorry
in gov he smiled at me more, not even me being delusional like usual. not that i was counting or anything. he was also looking at me for a bit, but when i turned to look at him he turned away. i feel like he was making faces in my peripheral, but i couldnāt tell today. my hair was in the way. i washed the product out my bangs so they werenāt as flat as they usually are..
iām pretty sure i ruined my curl pattern because i straighten my bangs so much
xo
aa
in gov he smiled at me more, not even me being delusional like usual. not that i was counting or anything. he was also looking at me for a bit, but when i turned to look at him he turned away. i feel like he was making faces in my peripheral, but i couldnāt tell today. my hair was in the way. i washed the product out my bangs so they werenāt as flat as they usually are..
iām pretty sure i ruined my curl pattern because i straighten my bangs so much
xo
aa
will i ever find love? like genuine love? not these month long crushes i keep having, or liking someone because they like me. would anyone ever like someone as dramatic as me? as whiny? as possessive? or bitchy? i wouldnāt.
sometimes i wish a was a ghost. not because i want to die or anything, but because i what to know what people say about me when iām not around. do they say the same things i do? do they think the complete opposite? who secretly hates or likes me? i want to know so much but i know iāll never be able to.
i keep running and i keep falling. why does nothing ever work out for me?
sometimes i wish a was a ghost. not because i want to die or anything, but because i what to know what people say about me when iām not around. do they say the same things i do? do they think the complete opposite? who secretly hates or likes me? i want to know so much but i know iāll never be able to.
i keep running and i keep falling. why does nothing ever work out for me?
i, me, myself
Dec. 5th, 2025 04:20 pmmy face is red again and itās still because of that boy (and the cold), but iām starting not to like him anymore..iām embarrassed. itās weird right? i was just writing about him almost 24 hours ago and now i donāt like him anymore. he made some comment about something i like supposedly being sucky. idk but i think it snapped me out of something. because after i started listening to him talk, i thought about how he isnāt really that funny, heās annoying, and heās disrespectful. for the rest of advisory i kinda just stared into nothing. why do i do this? attach onto certain things i like and ignore all other aspects? whatās wrong with me
i donāt want to tell my friends. iāll feel exposed and vulnerable, more than i already feel. like iāve been stripped down to my bones for everyone to see.
i almost cried on the way home. instead of staring out the window, watching the scenes iāve seen time and time again, i stare at the empty seats in front of me. i hate this.
i donāt want to tell my friends. iāll feel exposed and vulnerable, more than i already feel. like iāve been stripped down to my bones for everyone to see.
i almost cried on the way home. instead of staring out the window, watching the scenes iāve seen time and time again, i stare at the empty seats in front of me. i hate this.
i love winter
Dec. 4th, 2025 06:56 pmmy nose is red from the cold, my face is red because of that boy. or maybe my skin is irritated. the wind chaps my lips but iām too busy to fix it. busy listening to the playlist i curated for when i have a crush. whenever i think about seeing him again at school, i want to go. suddenly it doesnāt matter that i have a spanish quiz, or a formative assignment due at 11:59, or that i have to finish a missing assignment. i want to go to school. i like school, i think. today he stared at me for awhile, making that stupid face before he did the 67 motion and turned around..why do i like him
collateral damage
Nov. 25th, 2025 11:29 amyou don't know how good you had it. any of you. anyone who sat in my face and yanked on my heartstrings then wondered why i disappeared the following day. anyone who laughed in my face then wondered why i only glare at them now. anyone who treated me like i was batshit then wondered why i make snark comments whenever they're around. it's on purpose, it wasn't an accident. you didn't take anything the wrong way. im deliberately going out of my way to let you know i hate you. i don't care if what happened was an accident, or if you didn't mean anything by it, or if it wasn't a big deal. im allowed to feel. my heart hates you, my brain does too, and my fists want to pummel you to the ground.
im the kind of kid that cant let anything go, but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat..
im the kind of kid that cant let anything go, but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat..
you wear your skin like its too tight
Nov. 25th, 2025 10:46 ammy friend continuously told me she would work with me for our stats project when it came up, but let someone take my spot because she didn't speak up. just thinking about it makes me stupidly angry. its stupid how indignant i am over this. its just a fucking project group. i reminded myself of it out of nowhere and now when i shut my eyes im not even resting, im just there. i hate when people can't keep their word. its less about me not working with her, and more about the fact that i embarrassed myself looking for another group. everyone already had a group, because they established it beforehand like we did. except they didn't ditch each other last minute like you did. i could feel my teacher pitying me, i hated it. luckily one of my other friends had my back.
but it's okay. i wont walk you to class anymore, i'll get to mine faster. i won't wait for you to pack up and i'll just go. it's silly, how upset i get over trivial things that won't even matter next semester. it doesn't matter, but i wipe tears from my eyes anyway.
i hate you.
a
but it's okay. i wont walk you to class anymore, i'll get to mine faster. i won't wait for you to pack up and i'll just go. it's silly, how upset i get over trivial things that won't even matter next semester. it doesn't matter, but i wipe tears from my eyes anyway.
i hate you.
a
you probably think iām weak but iām not. iām strong, capable, and independent. iām not dramatic, i donāt obsess over mundane things like you geeks. i donāt cry over things that wonāt matter in 2 hours. i donāt cling to ideas of people instead of who they really are. iām not a crybaby. and i donāt desperately wish the things i write about are true.
oxox
a
oxox
a
alive with the glory of love
Nov. 6th, 2025 07:02 pmthe boy i like is strange. i sit next to him now in gov and i couldn't get my work done (that was due at the end of class) because he distracted me the entire time.. i don't mind that much though because he's funny. i even told him to face the other way so i could do my work and he still managed to distract me.
whenever i think about him my heart drops to my stomach the same way it does when i have to head to english class, im scared. i know he won't take my head off and put it on a stick, but im scared. it's not nervous. nervous is when i get tingly jitters, like roller coaster rides. scared is when everything waist up pools to my stomach, like when i know im in trouble. i might be in trouble. but only time will tell heh
i can't let him distract me from my work again, i have to sit next to him for a whole quarter. i should read lord of the flies again
xo
a
whenever i think about him my heart drops to my stomach the same way it does when i have to head to english class, im scared. i know he won't take my head off and put it on a stick, but im scared. it's not nervous. nervous is when i get tingly jitters, like roller coaster rides. scared is when everything waist up pools to my stomach, like when i know im in trouble. i might be in trouble. but only time will tell heh
i can't let him distract me from my work again, i have to sit next to him for a whole quarter. i should read lord of the flies again
xo
a
the only hope for me is you alone
Oct. 24th, 2025 04:58 pmi have a new crush, it's bad. my face is still red and it's been about two hours since we last spoke.. i know im going to get strangely obsessed like always and be sad for two weeks when it's over. i just hope it works out this time though. i hope i wont be so upset if it doesn't end the way i want, but my insides are copper. id kill to make them gold.
my friend told me he likes some girl i hate. i hate her because shes annoying, basically told my old crush i liked him, interrupted my conversation to ask how many apples tall i think she is, and did i mention she was annoying? she ruined my chances with my last crush (not because she told him, but because they were already talking)(and he was already over me so she didnt actually ruin anything) and i feel like she would ruin my chances now. maybe not directly, but because she doesn't like him back from what i hear. if he's hung up on her, would he even notice me making moves/laughing at everything he says/staring at him/not being able to look him in the eyes? talking to boys is hard.
maybe i'll get over this soon, but i dont really want to. chasing is fun. does that make me a dog? im going to ask my gov teacher to sit us together. pls dont let this go south future self
xoxo
a
my friend told me he likes some girl i hate. i hate her because shes annoying, basically told my old crush i liked him, interrupted my conversation to ask how many apples tall i think she is, and did i mention she was annoying? she ruined my chances with my last crush (not because she told him, but because they were already talking)(and he was already over me so she didnt actually ruin anything) and i feel like she would ruin my chances now. maybe not directly, but because she doesn't like him back from what i hear. if he's hung up on her, would he even notice me making moves/laughing at everything he says/staring at him/not being able to look him in the eyes? talking to boys is hard.
maybe i'll get over this soon, but i dont really want to. chasing is fun. does that make me a dog? im going to ask my gov teacher to sit us together. pls dont let this go south future self
xoxo
a
say what you're thinking out loud
Oct. 10th, 2025 05:30 pmi recently learned that i've been mistaking jealousy for possessiveness. being possessive is one of my worst attributes. why am i upset because some random is talking to the girl i've only known for maybe a month? so stupid. i was sooo close to having a nice conversation with her but you had to poke your fat head in my way. i was here first, who even are you? just last week you were leaning against the wall all alone but now you know MY friend? i rarely ever get to see her, but you two go to the same school..talk later, or maybe never.
my pushover friend said "what if they're friends?" when i told her why i was upset. i don't care if they're friends, that's not the point. the point is that i always talk to my friend at c lunch, not this random geek. the friend-thief doesn't seem awful, not like me. shes cute i guess, and maybe i would've spoken to her in different circumstances. but now i want my friend's attention back asap
i wish i wasn't made to hate people as soon as they disrupt something of mine, and i wish i was more understanding, but i cant help it. maybe i need to be returned for defects..
anyway, i watched donnie darko after putting it off for so long. its my new favorite movie. jake gyllenhaal heh...
xo
a
my pushover friend said "what if they're friends?" when i told her why i was upset. i don't care if they're friends, that's not the point. the point is that i always talk to my friend at c lunch, not this random geek. the friend-thief doesn't seem awful, not like me. shes cute i guess, and maybe i would've spoken to her in different circumstances. but now i want my friend's attention back asap
i wish i wasn't made to hate people as soon as they disrupt something of mine, and i wish i was more understanding, but i cant help it. maybe i need to be returned for defects..
anyway, i watched donnie darko after putting it off for so long. its my new favorite movie. jake gyllenhaal heh...
xo
a
though i dont know what im waiting for
Sep. 19th, 2025 08:53 pmnot knowing where to stand with people makes me want to reach down my throat and pull out my lungs. id rather not be able to breathe than try to figure out whether i should cut you off or pretend i don't secretly want to gauge your eyes out. but it's already hard to breathe. you're supposed to be my friend. i shouldn't have to question if you're telling your friends everything i tell you. it makes my stomach churn. is our friendship even genuine, or are you just playing middle ground? i regret reaching back out to you, just a little.
i don't care what your friends say about me. if they call me names or whatnot. a portion of your group has had a crush on me before, including you. but wouldn't it throw you off? if all my friends talked bad about you but i never told you unless you asked? It's throwing me off. it wouldn't matter to you either way. you'd never have my back, or defend me, even though we're supposed to be friends. is it worth it? is it worth it? tell me if it's worth it in the end. worth losing a friend for a group who would drop you if it meant they could all get 10 dollars to split. they don't care about you. they don't even care about each other, you will never be an exception.
i dont think we'll be talking soon
a
i don't care what your friends say about me. if they call me names or whatnot. a portion of your group has had a crush on me before, including you. but wouldn't it throw you off? if all my friends talked bad about you but i never told you unless you asked? It's throwing me off. it wouldn't matter to you either way. you'd never have my back, or defend me, even though we're supposed to be friends. is it worth it? is it worth it? tell me if it's worth it in the end. worth losing a friend for a group who would drop you if it meant they could all get 10 dollars to split. they don't care about you. they don't even care about each other, you will never be an exception.
i dont think we'll be talking soon
a
this story's getting old
Sep. 15th, 2025 05:46 pmi hate pushovers, i really do. there's a big difference between being sweet and being easily influenced. unfortunately one of my closest friends is one of the biggest pushovers i know. remember the girl who tried to single me out of my whole group of friends because of her family issues? the girl that dropped all her other friends because of issues she had with me and because of me? she makes a big fuss whenever shes in MY vicinity. this funky dog head bitch keeps trying to piss me off, its working.
my pushover friend, which i really don't even want to consider a friend as of now, knows that our old friend doesn't give a shit about us. but she "hopes she is okay" and wishes her "the best"? she doesn't deserve the best, ever. why do you care about her so much? she doesn't like you. get the fuck over her like any sensible person would (which seems to only be me and my best friend). aren't friends supposed to stay loyal? why are you still considering being her friend when in my book shes one huff away from being carried out in a gurney?
i don't want her in my life that much anyway. sure shes nice, and i love her, but holy shit. can't you handle yourself? why do people have to force you to eat? or figure out why you're near fainting mid government class? i'm not blaming her for her issues, or shaming her, but whenever i hang out with her i feel like some kind of fucking caregiver. i can barely handle my emotions, why would i juggle yours along with mine? do it yourself.
but whatever, i can't control who you want to be around, so fine. do what you want. keep worrying about her while shes talking bad about you to her friends who do the same thing to her. talk to her again, watch our distances explode. she'll leave you again and you'll be with nobody.. i'm tired of people who never have my back because they "don't want to get involved." fuck you
i'm over that boy, took shorter than i expected. him and his gf are cute.
xoxo
aa
my pushover friend, which i really don't even want to consider a friend as of now, knows that our old friend doesn't give a shit about us. but she "hopes she is okay" and wishes her "the best"? she doesn't deserve the best, ever. why do you care about her so much? she doesn't like you. get the fuck over her like any sensible person would (which seems to only be me and my best friend). aren't friends supposed to stay loyal? why are you still considering being her friend when in my book shes one huff away from being carried out in a gurney?
i don't want her in my life that much anyway. sure shes nice, and i love her, but holy shit. can't you handle yourself? why do people have to force you to eat? or figure out why you're near fainting mid government class? i'm not blaming her for her issues, or shaming her, but whenever i hang out with her i feel like some kind of fucking caregiver. i can barely handle my emotions, why would i juggle yours along with mine? do it yourself.
but whatever, i can't control who you want to be around, so fine. do what you want. keep worrying about her while shes talking bad about you to her friends who do the same thing to her. talk to her again, watch our distances explode. she'll leave you again and you'll be with nobody.. i'm tired of people who never have my back because they "don't want to get involved." fuck you
i'm over that boy, took shorter than i expected. him and his gf are cute.
xoxo
aa
shut up just shut up i hate you all!!!!!!!!!!! sheās obviously too good for him, and heās going to cheat. maybe i want that. he still says hi to me like nothing happened, i guess he really doesnāt know. he isnāt that bright anyway.
itās fine i guess. iām not going to cry a river and drown the whole world. i only cried half a river. my stomach doesnāt burn when i see them together, not as much. maybe i wonāt die just because i donāt have someone to obsess over..
itās fine i guess. iām not going to cry a river and drown the whole world. i only cried half a river. my stomach doesnāt burn when i see them together, not as much. maybe i wonāt die just because i donāt have someone to obsess over..
